This is not a diary any more

Tag: death

Bow Down

It was a beautiful spring night a year ago. Mrs. Nielsen was visiting. We soaked ourselves in booze, got into adventures all over Lithuania and had the time of our lives, as it happens when we hook up with her. That night, we went to a concert at the National Philharmonic Hall.

Baha’i Prayer for the Suffering

Friend sent it to me a couple of days ago, who I am very grateful to, although I did not anticipate to have a sad opportunity to share it with the world, which suffers from repeated terror and demise.


Who can tell whether we’re alive or dead? Either way, we live in the heaven or hell of our choosing. I live in my almost heaven with the elements of purgatory. They were the entrance fee. 


You have to try it with white bread. I can’t eat white bread. Just a bite. It’s more delicious this way. I can feel annoyance stirring up but obediently do what he says. Less fuss this way. As we eat, I notice his hands trembling. I look down at my plate. 

God’s Love

They say God’s Love is measured by the scope of challenges he gives us. If so, God must be growing real fond of me. He keeps inviting me to his playground where his lethal breath is right about to shatter my life as I know it.

We Are All Going to Die

There was light music in the background. People were talking, trying to get a drink, watching others, going to the loo, flirting. I was standing next to Girlfriend as we both were silent for a while. She is someone I can afford to be silent with. And then time started rolling in a funny way. It […]


You wrote “dead” and you invited the experience. You asked if I would be there at the very end and you saw that I weren’t.

She Won’t Go Away

I keep having this dream. I kill a woman and try to get rid of her. Beside the fact that she is already dead, I tie her hands behind the back with a plastic wire. I put her into a black bag, face down, and into the trunk of a car. I want to get […]

You Have Love Within

I remembered my first Teacher tonight. When father saw her book on my table at the age of 13, it was the only time he asked the question Aren’t you too young for this?

Gateway Closed

Since I’ve been a teenager, I believed we all are, one place or another. Regardless of birth, death and every dimension in between, we are, all the time. 

The Call

And then I realised there would be no call. 

Only Lovers Left Alive

I think I just saw one of my all-time favourites! I mean how amusing can it get when Adam and Eve appear to be still here among us? And yet it can – when you find out just how they get by.

Dialogue with Pia

Mum, Austeja told me that her mother was growing old. I crack up imagining how I will tell the news flash to my girlfriend who has just started worrying about her skin.

On People You Thought You Knew

Godparents are people you wish your child followed spiritually, intellectually and destiny-wise. Role models, care-givers and guides. I don’t know what my parents were thinking when choosing me the Godfather I had – or maybe there wasn’t much of a choice in the traumatised soviet generation in terms of spiritual guidance – spirits, though, being […]

On Death

The thick silence as I enter my home. Step into the living room, slowly draw the curtains. And, of course, think of her.