What Do I Want?

by HelluvaGirl

I was asked what I wanted for my birthday. It got me thinking what I want generally and most of all.

1. I want to be where my home is. I want to feel that, where I am, is the place. Not where somebody else is. Ok, so I guess I want my home to be where I am, although a crib in sunny Barcelona wouldn’t hurt #soconsistent


2. Right, so I have this amazing Barri Gotic apartment. Now, I want a year off work, off insanity, off blood-draining stress, off doing stuff I don’t identify myself with (though I try very hard and don’t suck at it completely). I get a year – time limit is very important here because otherwise I’m never doing the next thing I want (like I’m not doing it now): I write something I publish. This is probably the scariest thing: to expose myself to possible and very likely failure in wide public. Or, even worse, pure indifference. Argh!


3. This is my dream reality and I get whatever I want, so I become an acclaim – mais oui – and rich enough to work part-time. I probably still live in Barcelona, speak Spanish and French and travel places.

New York

4. Do I have a face job done or something? Sure thing.

5. Let’s move on. All this time I keep thinking about Pia – I always separate what I want from what I think is right for her. Once, the Witch of Eastwick asked me: what would you do if you weren’t living with Pia? I painted a loose picture of a bohemian life somewhere in an Amsterdam/Paris/Barcelona loft with lots of wine, poetry and people like me. She was shocked how different I make myself be because I have family. Oh well. Pia’s is starting school so perhaps not so smart to drag her around the world? Or could it be that I hide behind my daughter’s back as a pretext to stay put? Enough. We travel together and everything is manageable because kids learn quickly and adapt well. Although, even in my dream world, I can’t picture helping her with Math homework. In Catalan. Can’t say which part is more complicated.

6. Ok, here’s the one everyone knows:

Mini Cooper

7. I also want to go to Vipassana retreat – and it’s the one thing I’m actually doing in a couple of weeks.

Dialogue with Girlfriend:

So what will you do there?

10 hours of meditation every day and silence at all times.

Yeah, but like what will you do? Read, workout?

Nothing. Nothing.

Oh girl let’s go get drunk this Friday ’cause I feel like I’m losing you forever.

It’s a bit of a drag that I won’t be able to write. But perhaps there won’t be much to write about after I come back? The night hike I had several months back inspired me to try and shut up for more than two hours or a weekend.


I will refrain from all but two from the list! Ok, three – I’m not working out either. Also, no mobile, no tight clothes and no perfume.

8. This reminds me of Jardin en Méditerranée. Dad, my birthday’s coming!

9. There are so many things I want but I persistently keep my mouth shut about. I want to see someone. Someone who takes my hand in a concert and suddenly I can’t hear the music in the blur of emotion. Someone who actually hears what I say. Who also reminds me there’s not much to say when you feel so good.

10. Let’s be serious, this should’ve been the first point: I want to sleep 10 hours a day. It brings me back to the harsh reality of 5 hours left. Ah bon! Will continue another day at the expense of the same.

Sweet and wild dreams everyone.

Photo credit: pinterest.com