The Location of My Heart

by HelluvaGirl

It’s another time of year that Lover rediscovers my phone number.

As I have decided to quit our usual drill a while ago – because if anything could’ve happened, it would’ve in 12 years, right? – I don’t pick up tonight. He thinks I’m partying again. On second thought, I text him.

To be honest, I feel like shit. Not because hungover. Got some bad news. Sorry for not being up for a conversation. One of those days…

He texts back asking if it’s nothing fatal. Says he would call tomorrow to check in on me.

I suddenly have an idea.

Listen. Let’s meet at the Bar? Not for a date, a conversation. I need a friend.

He calls again. No intrusive questions, I like him for that. I begin to recall that it may not be the first time he consoles me in a case of a bruised heart… Funny, no?

I don’t talk about what happened. I just say I want to be with someone right now. He says if it’s that bad he will get up, dress up and come but that it’s a better idea to talk about it instead of drinking about it.

Better yet, write about it. Perhaps you will see the problem is not what initially seems like one. You know you’ll still have to go through it on your own.

So here goes.

To everyone who thinks I am a cold blood-sucking bitch, payback is real.

It happens very, very rarely; gets me by surprise every time. As soon as I emotionally invest in someone, time and circumstances being secondary because it usually happens in five seconds anyway… as soon as I see someone exactly how I want them to be, it’s a highway to nothing.

And I raise all the same questions time and again: why does it have to happen at all, then? Why can’t I just live without feeling a thing? Why, as soon as I feel something, it goes crashing down in another five minutes?

I don’t really believe there is someone for me. But goddamnit, why sometimes it seems like I am wrong? It’s a terrifying moment because I know, I just know something must be fatally wrong. It never goes right when I lose control and give in… And every time I do, pretty soon I can feel the exact location of my heart. It hurts.

I often speak about how I usually have crushes on unavailable types but what I avoid to admit is that I am the one who’s unavailable. During the past couple of years I have gone through something that qualifies as a deep trauma but it has been so invisible on the outside, so little talked about or validated that it’s easy to pretend it never happened, that nothing happened to me. But it did, and it counts, and it changed me forever. And after this I find it very difficult to open up, to even notice someone.

And what do you know, as soon as I take the leap of faith, it appears to be a worthless venture.

But I don’t wish nemesis. Not because, narcissistically, it is more convenient to be above it. But because I truly, deeply believe it is of my own making. It starts within me and evolves according to my inner quality. Outside is the mirror.

Therefore, I only wish love, peace, tranquility and light to them, keeping gratitude to myself. It is very likely that my job here is to give and never expect anything in return any more because I have already taken a lot in life for granted.

Still hurts…