Insanely in Love

by HelluvaGirl

I want to fall in love.

The no-looking-back way, there’s-nobody-else-in-the-world-I-see kind of way. I want it to be crazy and sparkling with chemistry, and mutual.

I have been pressing myself to be practical with relationships lately. See the best in people, Kristina. Chemistry dissipates. What remains are friendships and respect, and selfless kindness – if there’s ever been any. Why don’t you make your choice based on those quite impersonal factors?

Lately, I’ve been forming this hard lump in my solar plexus. I have been straining for so long to become something else I am, to unfeel in fact.. that I didn’t notice this weird sensation petrifying my core little by little.

No. No.

I want to melt. I know I can be #thecoldbitch but, what is remarkable, I can be something very contrary to that, given the right connection, feeling, person, light, game…

And I don’t fancy being cold, cynical know-it-all – and old that way. I am tired of my own effort to find my place among all those people who’s angles don’t match mine. I guess this is a struggle of my generation and the ones coming after?

I remember reading stuff about meditation, and what I recall up to this day is that one of the cool things is to breathe the way a feather wouldn’t move under your nose. I discovered eventually that to breathe that way, you have to find a certain spot deep down your throat, to somehow feel the breath travel through that spot to completely calm down the stream of air that goes out through your nose.

This notion somehow relates to what I say about relating to people: find the right spot of connection and don’t fucking fuss. Don’t tear yourself apart. It’s not the reason we were sent here in the first place – definitely not to dramatise things.

However, I still crave the chemistry. After that, we can work really hard. How about making this happen, the God-That-Lives-In-Me?

As much as I try, I cannot be just practical in relationships. I can be perfectly practical alone.