by HelluvaGirl

You’ll see, one day you’ll smile at your child and tell her you are so loving because you didn’t get everything you wanted.

I was driving home, feeling nauseous. The sun was finally showing off, painting rainbows on leaden skies. A rare guest this spring, she acts like a schoolgirl skipping class.

Her words echo in me after years of not seeing each other.

I was pregnant then.

What was she saying? Did she know then what is sinking into me right this moment, driving home on autopilot with heavy eyelashes?

Why didn’t she tell me if she saw it?

Of course. It’s worthless to tell a golden truth.

That past year… It was leading me to a different place than I was expecting. Yes, expecting. Hoping, dreaming, patient, full of faith. How unaware I was… but so determined.

In front of my startled eyes, it brought out the essence of every existing thing, and made me feel a part of… all.

What a curious tale. It showed the essence of me, too. Now I know, without One Clever Person telling me. Now I know.

A wrapped up gift on my lap, this story. A portrait of a woman I was trying to see desperately in every mirror, in every face I examined, in every human body I touched, seeking to unlock the unknown.

The unknown has its name today.

The one and only thing I have ever been looking for was Pain.

And it was perfect that way. My reflection, my second name. My partner in crime. My mirror, my Soulmate. My secret. My Love.


I was alone here all the time. No one else. Crazy.

You can’t unsee, right?