Never Alone

by HelluvaGirl

I’ve never been a girl in a relationship. No.

But I’ve always been a girl in love. Always having a crush, always infatuated, inspired and high.

If I weren’t, it felt wrong. As if something would be missing. A part of myself numbing, my heart undergoing atrophy. Even in the nuthouse, even after the divorce, I was in love. Hung up on someone – or, more precisely, an idea of someone fulfilling me. And, though persistently preaching myself being whole, not in need and not in fact being anyone’s better half, I still needed that button pressed, that pill ready to make my world view in bright colour. I always wanted an inspiration.

However, it has little to do with the continuance of events and relationships in the span of life. You can’t be high all the time. Well, you can try, but we all know how it ends.

Last night the Witch of Eastwick shared a priceless insight with me that again opened my eyes a little bit wider, as our reunions never happen without a reason and a consecutive revelation of sorts. She said I was never really on my own, like those girls who jump from one boyfriend to another, only I almost never had a boyfriend #toomainstream I always had a dream, an object to excite my mind, to make my world anything but mundane.

I am very good at being alone. But have I ever been detached from anyone inside my heart? I can’t remember.

You have to find out who you are without any intensifier of senses. Perhaps you choose specific people who bring you certain sadness that later translates into the perfect writing inspiration? You ought to learn who you are. Carry yourself like a foetus and let you be born.

There’s nothing like the place in life where you sincerely don’t know what to do. Anything can happen. Everything feels real.