HelluvaGirl

The day before

you love an illusion

                                                                           don’t you see how you’re just filling a gap

                                                      it is a ridiculous waste of life 

          he would’ve been here by now if he wanted

                                                                  you have to close one door for another to open

unless, of course, you don’t want a relationship?

All is true. And it’s a legitimate question. I can remember well the times when I said I wanted but did everything for it to not happen. I must be more consistent and conscious by now. Am I hiding behind this demeaning situation? Perhaps it is more convenient to me than it is draining?

There will always be several layers to this. Lack of empathy is sobering, and yet, in the whirlwind of emotions, I could still sign under everything I’ve written from the beginning. I guess that makes one of us.

***

An hour before

He comes into my cell and leans on the back of my chair as he often does. Everyone’s out to lunch.

Hey, looking great today. But tell me, what’s bothering you? Who is he? What’s his name?

I laugh raising my eyes to my Manager.

What a presumptive thing to consider the only problem a woman could have is a man.

He smiles. He must have noticed something. After all, I have been considering having a word with him. Not about men, though.

Joking. Everything’s ok?

Yes.

***

And then

I feel like I’m hit by a car. I’ve never spoken to you that way. On the other hand, I have never felt so taken for granted, unimportant and so deliberately denied. You’ve told me time and again you were selfish in this whole situation but I don’t think you realised how selfish you actually were.

Have you ever felt like a black hole, taking in everything unconditionally? Until the moment you find it is absolutely expected of you as a normal thing. No human emotions, no reaction to being the Best Kept Secret. Of course – no promises made… Not to me #disclaimer

Well, you can delete me all you want. Pretend I don’t exist. Play your perfect role.

I accepted I was a nobody until you said I was.