You Have Love Within

by HelluvaGirl

I remembered my first Teacher tonight.

When father saw her book on my table at the age of 13, it was the only time he asked the question

Aren’t you too young for this?

Years later, he’d give me her books for Christmas – the ones about India, Tibet and spiritual self-search. Before, I’d borrow her volumes from libraries – the ones of the hellish period, and I’d find myself depicted with the tiniest details in some of her characters. Horrifying experience 🙂

Writer, poet, painter and free spirit, she educated me like no school could possibly. I discovered there was a way to speak out unspeakable experiences. The darkest corners of one’s soul to be exposed. And then – to satisfy the hunger of the soul. To travel alone and to be who you are, regardless of the public opinions, support or lack thereof.

She has created a world I lost in eagerly: loving priests, OD’ing in Amsterdam, living in shabby Old Town attics, being married to rock-stars, healing in nuthouses, peeking to the Other Side. Then learning about Buddhism, Eastern travel and internal transformations. She inspired me to take up the Oriental studies in Vilnius University – pity parents couldn’t afford to let me go. Wonder where I’d be today 🙂

A strong woman. Inevitably lonely, I believe. Determined and insightful. There is no one like her any more. There is no system to fight, no shame or damage to be hiding in this society. Shambalas are also discovered. But she was the first. So brave.

After she died of cancer and the top Lithuanian news portal published my narcissistic in memoriam saying I’d dedicate my first book to her (still ashamed of it), I had a dream.

She was lying down in the darkness with her head on my lap. I was slowly caressing her long red curls. We were both silent.

Finally, she said:

You have Love within. You’ll be ok.

An intimate farewell I never put out.

I remember that departure sometimes. Today I only dare to hope she knew better than I know now.