On Shining Stars

by HelluvaGirl

When you speak of me as more radiant than a kaleidoscope of nirvanic bliss… I realise it’s flattery, but also begin to see how all this impossibility of being together makes sense. 

I have been employed as a shining star before. Someone light and easy; someone to admire; someone not causing headaches, not producing requirements and never asking questions – never boring because rarely there. Why would I do that? Because then, I didn’t know I had a choice to be that or my whole self. And all those who needed me that way were lightyears distant in one sense or another.

You are, too. Hence it is easy for me to be a breath of fresh air and an inspiration; someone constantly positive and dazzling, and sweet and eloquent.

I am not positive, as I find it synonymic to effortless. No – I am strong. That’s why my spine is straight and words tender. Because I am well-trained to stay on the top of a glass mountain. A second of weakness – and you slip… The slope of that mountain is scratched in places. So yes, I try to stay on top and it may translate as being next of kin to sunshine.

And eloquent? Do you remember the last time I sat in front of you? I wonder if you noticed just how affected I was by your nearness and the chaos inside of me, trying to figure out what was happening there, but the words obviously weren’t my strong suit that night. I can’t even remember everything I said when kissing your cheeks good-bye, drunk on your perfume and the look on your face – mildly unsettled, was it?..

If it was up to me, I would make the choice of being close, of being everything to you, including my formidable dark side #whatif

I guess we’ll always remain blissfully unaware if you would still consider me amazing then.

The choice I make is not suffocating the dream and being anything I can, as long as you say you miss me.

I know you know why.