HelluvaGirl

This is not a diary any more

Category: Ramblings

What Do I Want?

I was asked what I wanted for my birthday. It got me thinking what I want generally and most of all. 1. I want to be where my home is. I want to feel that, where I am, is the place. Not where somebody else is. Ok, so I guess I want my home to be […]

Association Game

Imagine an animal. It’s a doe. What do you do when you see it? I look her in the eye. What does she do? She stands there for a moment, then turns around and runs away. Now imagine water. It’s… no, not an ocean. It’s a lake. With a boat on it. Ok, now think […]

Watching

Always been convinced I was special to you in certain ways. The only one. In several aspects. Beginning to see I am not – do I dramatise it? Hm… I guess no sense. I’m just surprised how perfectly life draws a veil on our perception and timely conceals certain shades of reality from our judgement. […]

Snow on the Sahara

Since I was a teenager, this song would arise very strong emotive associations which I’ve never tried to put into words before. Tearing longing; feelings that outlast relationships or people, tragedies or impossibility; being left alone without a choice but to love… Have you ever experienced strong feelings that were sort of… not yours?

Twilight

Work is overwhelming. Must be a pre-spring reboot that I crash at 7.30 pm. Sleep becomes medicine. Work is split into the most belated tasks to be ticked off. I dream the office at nights. A cigarette at lunch time, looking at a single spot at the entrance. Back to the mill. Car needs maintenance but […]

The Bell

In a huge bell that is not moved, its ringing subsided, you still see the nature of sound within, and sense its longing to be awoken. The bell is only alive when it’s ringing. The rest of the time it is but the memory of sound, persistent vibration in between the swings. 

Sometimes

In hindsight, all those songs used to be woven with unacknowledged hope and thrilling expectation of what the future would bring. Now they make me sad. No, I haven’t lost my way of faith: I will continue passionately until I have no passions. But I get very sad sometimes still.

Down in the Well

I comb my mind, looking for the manifestations of lethal attachments having consumed me entirely, and I let everything go, breathing it out. I give myself lengthy lectures on my personal wishes being secondary, whilst the destined course of events, the divine plan primary and definitely not something to try and eliminate with a sack of explosives […]

Fragments

Pick up — Oysters and champagne dinner  — Smoke watching rooftops of churches and castles in the Old Town — Talk of war and who really built the Egyptian pyramids — Drive with radio on – why do they keep singing about the same thing on and on? — My legs in the clear foamless water […]

Revisiting

I am revisiting places. The hardest part is digesting the fact which has just been thrown in my face in a manner that couldn’t possibly be more obvious – and therefore it is horrid – that I am in the same place I’ve been a decade ago. 

On Opportunity Missed

Are you going to the ceremony? No. Why? Have work to do. He seemed quite agitated weeks before it, don’t you think? Yes, I think he was. People tend to be so excited about their first weddings… …I muse playing with my hair like I do when lost in thoughts, then suddenly raise my eyes […]

Dialogue with Girlfriend

Did you notice we spent the last three days together? I realised that when I came to your place today, opened the fridge and ate some cake while you were in the shower.

On Genius, Transformed

Last night, I dreamed Genius again. I’d dream him all those years since I dramatically moved to Vilnius, as someone once put it. Because it was the autumn I moved here that I met him, and it was 11 years ago.

Le conseguenze della guerra

You fight your war passionately, as if your life depended on it – doesn’t it always? You suffer casualties and carry on. You methodically pursue your  aim, thinking up new strategies and acting undercover. After years you realise there was never an enemy there, and no actual war per se, just you and your ever-intimate […]

To Jim

aka gym.