This is not a diary any more

50 Shades of Grey

Ok so I watched the film instead, which was basically the same thing as sleeping, if one could be bored and #rolleyes excessively while sleeping, then enter Johnnie Walker for things to be bearable at all. Read the rest of this entry »


Work is overwhelming. Must be a pre-spring reboot that I crash at 7.30 pm. Sleep becomes medicine. Work is split into the most belated tasks to be ticked off. I dream the office at nights. A cigarette at lunch time, looking at a single spot at the entrance. Back to the mill. Car needs maintenance but whatever. I kinda wanted to write about something but I don’t feel like it now. Someone speaks about my present in their past tense. Wakes me up. Read the rest of this entry »


I really hate how much I love her songs.

Whenever I think Taylor Swift, it’s like argh, she’s everything I’m not: the Golden Girl, the American Wannabe, so Purrrfect – but take away her makeup and dresses, and she’s the girl next door I would never hit on.  Read the rest of this entry »


You have to try it with white bread.

I can’t eat white bread.

Just a bite. It’s more delicious this way.

I can feel annoyance stirring up but obediently do what he says. Less fuss this way.

As we eat, I notice his hands trembling. I look down at my plate.  Read the rest of this entry »

Before Breakfast

I want to give you a present. Is there anything you want?

Hmmm… iPhone 6?

iPhone is not romantic at all.

I roll my eyes. Read the rest of this entry »

Wake Up We

I keep wondering when those questions will run out… Why drag the subject to and fro? It has never been a matter of making a step, not for one of us, so why linger on something as empty?

Some of the above questions are addressed to myself, too (is that you or me talking?).

Victims are too comfortable in their own shoes.
Read the rest of this entry »


YoĂĽ And I

God’s Love

They say God’s Love is measured by the scope of challenges he gives us.

If so, God must be growing real fond of me.

He keeps inviting me to his playground where his lethal breath is right about to shatter my life as I know it. Read the rest of this entry »

That Moment

That moment when someone stands there looking at you intently, with a disbelief almost, and you are looking back, taming the unreasonable chaos within, unaware just yet how mutual the chaos is.

I cannot forget.

I know I will  be ok. I will not kill myself or get on an antidepressant wagon. I will not do anything desperate or try to prove shit. It’s not how I function.

But we will both remain with that perennial sense of shortage that cannot be filled with anything or anybody, ever.

Doesn’t that make you crazy sometimes?